The man looks at me as if I had just kicked his puppy for a field goal. Maybe it was the happy pill, I dunno, but I get to my feet and shuffle past him. I fish some Axe body spray out of my carry-on. I turn to him and put on my most charitable smile. “Look, man. You aren’t making this a very pleasant trip. If you don’t mind, I’d like to spray you with this deodorant. That way, we all win in this situation, okay?” His lips part in an unsure grin as he gets to his feet. I spray him with just the right amount of the product to mask his stench without overpowering the whole cabin. Just for good measure, I spritz the seat and a little on myself as well. “See? No harm; no foul. Not anymore.”
Slowly one woman gets up that was sitting directly across from him and begins to clap. Like in a snowball effect, passenger after passenger gets to their feet, applauding my selflessness and diplomacy. Two very sexy women drape themselves on Hans and smother him with love, dragging him to the bathroom to join the “mile high club.” The Air Marshal stands and strolls over to me, pulling me shoulder to shoulder. Even a couple of the Stewardesses join in the accolades as the Marshal hands me a plaque. The inscription on it reads, “For Services Benefitting All of Mankind.”
Robert Richardson, who won the Oscar in 2012 for Best Cinematography rushes over and hands me his Academy Award. Paparazzi flashes ensue as the crowd goes wild. A solitary tear forms on my face as I gently accept the award. “Wow. I really wasn’t expecting all of this.” The crowd begins to quiet as I give my impromptu speech. “I guess I’d really like to thank all of the little people who made this moment necessary...”
